I have been primarily attracted to women for my whole adult life, and have historically built my romantic relationships exclusively with women. However, more recently I have learned that I can experience genuine attraction to other men, but only within a dynamic where female energy is also present.
This isn’t about being “secretly gay” or “in denial”, but a realisation that for me attraction can be highly contextual and situational. When I’m with another man one-on-one, I simply do not experience sexual attraction. But if a woman is also present, then the experience takes a completely different form.
For me, a dynamic that involves a woman and another man creates polarity and fluidity, and can become charged in a unique way that I find highly arousing.
A relatable analogy
To other straight leaning men who struggle to relate I sometimes try to explain this using an analogy:
Consider how you view adult content. A woman on her own would generally be arousing to you, whereas a man on his own would likely not. However a man and woman together creates a visual dynamic that combines both male and female sexuality in a way that most straight leaning people generally find arousing. This is how I relate to in-person experiences with a man and a woman.
Since opening up this conversation I have learned that my experience is not exactly unique. For many men, the presence of both masculine and feminine energies creates experiences that are more exciting than either one might be on its own. The interplay, polarity and the way the contrasting energies play off each other creates a different kind of spark.
When I experience this, I do not suddenly find myself attracted to the masculine itself, but rather the combination of energies create a dynamic that I find magnetic and arousing. For me, the real chemistry emerges from the space between all three people.
The contextual nature of desire
Sexuality can be incredibly situational. A person might be primarily attracted to one gender but find themselves enjoying sexual connection with someone of the same gender in specific contexts, like in a threesome with their partner.
They might discover a kind of attraction or connection they cannot experience in one-on-one situations. That doesn’t necessarily change their sexual orientation, and it doesn’t require new labels.
This kind of situational fluidity is more common than people let on. Sexual attraction and connection can emerge in contexts where we least expect them, influenced by the specific chemistry between people, the environment, the acts or even the unique combination of personalities and energies involved.
For me, these types of experiences feel completely authentic and aligned with who I am. They’re not lesser experiences because they don’t fit a traditional mold, they’re real moments of connection that have expanded my understanding of myself and what I enjoy.
Sexuality on a spectrum
In my view sexuality exists on a spectrum, and most of us fall somewhere in between the two extremes. Many people with a generally straight orientation also have capacity for same sex attraction under specific circumstances.
It is okay to enjoy physical intimacy with a person of the same gender without needing to redefine your sexual orientation. Our attractions can be influenced by context, energy, emotional connection and countless other factors.
Understanding myself and others
Recognising and accepting this about myself has been liberating. I no longer feel the need to analyse every moment of attraction or intimacy through the lens of “what does this say about me?” because it actually doesn’t matter. Instead, I can appreciate connections and experiences for exactly what they are in each moment.
This understanding has also made me more empathetic to others who might not fit neatly into conventional categories. Sexuality is deeply personal, and each person’s individual experience is valid, whether they identify strongly with traditional labels or find themselves in completely unique territory.
Labels are completely optional
At the end of the day, labels are tools meant to help us understand and communicate about ourselves. When they serve that purpose, they’re useful. When they become restrictive or fail to accurately describe our experience, we shouldn’t force ourselves to use them.
My partner Evie recently wrote a brilliant article on the topic of attraction, identity and the complexities of modern sexuality, which explores these concepts in much greater detail. For a deeper dive into labels and how they can both help and hinder our understanding of ourselves, I strongly recommend you read it.
If I had to choose labels I would identify as “heteroflexible” and “pansensual”, as common interpretations of those labels broadly describe how I experience attraction and relationships. However, I also recognise that my sexuality has nuances that labels cannot fully capture, and that’s okay. What matters to me is not finding the ideal label, but understanding and accepting myself as I am.
If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Sexuality is complex, but there’s room for all of us to experience ourselves authentically within that complexity. With or without labels.
If this feels like something you’d like to explore further, please get in touch!
Axel Meridius · Independent Male Escort
