[this was originally posted exclusively in my monthly newsletter until soon, as part of a longer essay. you can subscribe to receive future editions via email, HERE]
lately, i find myself toying with the idea of booking another worker + taking the opportunity to experience what it’s like to be on the other side. i begin to scroll the major directories, but find myself overwhelmed with options. how do i narrow down between so many incredibly hot people? descriptions occasionally offer a vibe check, but, i wonder what kind of experience i even want?
i’ve decided i’d like to book a woman who is bigger/ taller than me… i want to feel small; to feel cocooned by her. i want to feel her softness on me. that’s my only certainty, which is a simple request that would struggle to fill an hour… so, how long should i want to spend in her company…an hour goes so fast? what if i just want her to do something boring, like… tickle me with a feather duster the whole time? what will we talk about? do we even need to talk? what if we don’t click? what if we’re not attracted to each other? will i have sex any way? do i even want sex at all? what if i’m not in the mood? what kind of sex do i want? if not physical ‘sex’, then what???? clearly, the whole idea of it really has me spiralling.
it feels like an open ended question to have the luxury to book a sex worker, who (within the bounds of active consent, obviously) i can do with whatever my little heart desires. but what does my little heart desire??? …and the spiral carries on.
the process has made me realise how limited my imagination has become (even as someone in the industry myself) through a lifetime of consuming stigmatising media portrayals of both sex workers and their clients, i realise that, from the perspective of being a (potential) client, the range of blueprints for how an experience with an escort can go is soooo limited… dinner, hot sex, she leaves, then i smoke a cigarette while staring at the moon, ponder the meaning of life + why i do this… blah blah blah, we’ve all seen it. you know the script.
am i so disconnected from what it is that i want, that when presented with the opportunity to “fulfil my desires” all i can think of is sex that i might not even feel like having?
what i crave for is something that is unknown to me. maybe not sex, but what fills the space before it… getting to know someone playfully, through meandering conversations over wine glasses refilled with “just a splash” enough times that i’ve lost count… flirtation that make time drippy; somehow both long + short. having someones presence dedicated entirely to you, and you to them… a portal between worlds.
how do i explain that without all the poetry… without the person on the receiving end of the email thinking that i’m cruising on the edge of my sanity, or worse – that i’m some kind of hopeless romantic trying to find love in all the wrong places?
with this lens, i’ve realised how much the stigmatisation of sex workers affect the ability for our clients to imagine their desires larger than the portrayals given to them that place the orgasm at the centre of the experience, but leaves all the space around it unknown… so i’m going to really lean into what it is that is driving me towards this experience, beyond sex + physical intimacy, and hopefully get down to the nut of it. (pun entirely intended. in fact, i workshopped it… so i’m really sorry it’s bad.)
until soon…
yours,
lulu xx
WANT MORE? FIND ME ON:
LULU-VALENTINE.COM — BLUESKY — NEWSLETTER
